Feeling Guilty

I am currently sitting in the student lounge, pretty much doing nothing. I’m feeling pretty guilty about it too. I know I have things to do: laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. But all of those things are at home. And I am here. Stuck, still without a car.

I feel like I have grand ambitions of being highly productive. But I can never quite reach my lofty goals of the day. Like today for example, I was going to get up early, make lunch for Mac and I to take in our lunch boxes, then get off to work (after taking out the trash) by 7:05. That would leave plenty of time to stop for coffee, get dropped off and have Mac arrive on time at 7:30. The day did not quite start like that, however. The alarm went off and Mac got up and got dress, all without stirring me a bit. So I got up late, had no time for lunch or trash, and left at 10 past. Then along the way I remember that I hadn’t left the water running, so since it was 35 below, we decided we’d better turn around and turn it on. No time for coffee now. ☹

I have to work until 11:00, when I make my way across campus for class. Then, I thought, I could use my 2-hour break to hit the gym, but that would involve carting along gym clothes and shoes and toiletries. I think I’ll pass on that, at least until I have a car to stash my shit in. So then it was my idea to head back to work and get some extra hours in, until I saw the schedule and realized I’d be stuck in a very small office with three of the most annoying individuals in existence. Not to mention, I pretty much finished all of my work this morning and I would undoubtedly be assigned some tedious and bothersome task. Nope, pass again.

So I guess I’ll just chill out here until my next class, wasting time. After class I have about and hour and a half until work. Shitty part is that I can only get one ride. So straight to the theater I’ll go, just to waste more time. Perhaps I’ll take a nap on the “couch” in the office…

I'm Failing

Ok I'm totally failing at my resolutions. Thank you Elyse for reminding me. =D

So the semester has officially started. A semester, might I add, that will be the last in my undergrad!! Yepp, I petitioned to graduate earlier this week. While I'm pretty excited to be done, but it is a little nerve racking, to be honest, to know that I now have to look for a job in this wonderful economy and job market.

So we've got one week down. And from what I can tell from this one week, it is not going to be an easy semester. Not that my classes seem particularly difficult, but geezum, I am just so busy.

I haven't been to my job at UMPI since my car was taken off the road at Thanksgiving. Therefore, I have a ridiculous amount of hours to make up. They want me to work 20-25 hours a week there. Plus I usually get about 25 hours at the Theater. Full-time work, can't complain about that, except for the fact that I also have four 400-level classes.

So I plotted out my schedule and it is pretty much crammed full. I work throughout the day at UMPI, breaking for classes here and there, and then go to work at the Braden at night. I must have stared at it for 20 minutes calculated when I would have time to do things like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, homework... and I just don't know how I'm suppose to make it all fit. Not to mention that other lofty resolution of mine, to get in shape... When the hell am I suppose to find time to go to the gym AND have time to shower after before my next commitment? ha!

I was exhausted just thinking about it, but by the fourth day actual exhaustion set in. I was in the student lounge waiting for my mother to come pick me up, as I still do not have a car, and my phone rings. It's Rachel. We are on the executive board for Momentum Aroostook together. She has just called to ask if I have any interest in taking over the chair position on the board. I must have laughed for a good two minutes before answering, "Yeah, right! When?" She understood, but asked if I would revisit the notion in May when I graduate... hmmm, we'll see.

I managed to dodge that bullet, but not 24 hours later did I receive a visit from our lovely city planner, Jaime. He has apparently resolved the issue which I used as an excuse to stay away from the Presque Isle Downtown Revitalization Committee. And he would now like me to join. I told him I would make an effort to make it to a meeting, but I would not take on any formal positions... arg.

Oh and Holly keeps harassing me about being more active in the College Democrats... nope. Sorry, ain't hap-nin'.

In my adjustment week I have fallen off the weight-loss wagon. We'll try again next week. In the mean time though, I've put the whole family on daily vitamins. With all this schedule juggling, we could use a little immunity boost. I also purchased a bunch of take-along type food which hopefully help cut out the eating of junk and unnecessary spending.

Now I just have to get up earlier to find the time to pack that lunch...

Spending Money Makes Me Wish I Had More...

So I bit the bullet and finally ordered a pair of very functional, hopefully warm, not at all attractive, winter boots.   I think this is the first pair of winter boots that I have owned since grade school.   I also think at $100, this is the most I have spent on a single piece of clothing since making my move to The County.  

It is kind of sad.  I have chosen function over fashion.  I mean for $100 I could have gotten a pair of Lucky Jeans, or a smart trench, or been on my way to a pair of sassy leather high-healed boots, which I had originally been shopping for.  Does this make me old?  Or a shlumpadinka?  Or ::gasp::  a County Girl?  Ugh... 

So while I had my check book out and was at my computer, I decided to pay a couple bills while I was at it.  Watching my balance diminish in my registry was quite depressing.  But it certainly didn't stop me from fantasy shopping...

It really is one of my favorite pass-times. When I was younger I'd set up fake bridal registries in order to fantasy shop, until a notification showed up at my parents house, and severely confused them since I didn't even have a boyfriend at the time.  Now I like to peruse the internet for all the things I need or want but really can't afford right now.   Like a new TV, living room furniture, patio furniture, dishes etc.  Unfortunately, by the time I can afford to by things I've seen online, I usually can't find them again.  

Ohh but those boys over at google, and their infinite wisdom, knew just what I needed.   They have created a shopping wish list.  "But Erica lots of websites have wish lists," you say.  And you would be correct, except that google keeps a wish list across several different websites in one convenient location.  And it is easily shared!  For instance, say my b'day is around the corner and my folks are wondering what to get, they can just put my email address in and pull up my wish list.  And voila! All the things I've been looking at right there. 

I <3 Internet.

How did I get here?

I've always been a naturally smaller person.  There were times in my life (long ago) when I was told I was "too skinny,"  but I never believed it.  Because no matter what the scale said or what jean size I was in, I was always self conscience.  It has always been the same thing.  My stomach and my legs.  

But then as I got older, and as I made other changes in my life, the problems got more wide spread.  It started when I got my first "desk job" in Boston.  I wasn't running around at work as much and I put on 5 pounds.  My close were a little snug, but still fit.  No biggy.   Then I moved to the suburbs.  I started driving to work instead of walking and taking the T.  I put on 5 more pounds.  I started wearing control top panty hose and unbuttoning my blazer when I sat down. 

OK now it had my attention.  I stopped eating bagels for breakfast and switched to regular coffee instead of my daily non-fat caramel macchiato.  I ate only salads in the employee cafeteria and weighed my self regularly in the locker room.  But the weight never went back down.  

And then came the big move.  I moved back to Aroostook County in August 2006.  I was back in college and without a kitchen.  I ate fast food nearly every meal.  By the beginning of 2007 I had put on another 20 pounds.   With my new wardrobe of t-shirts and jeans, I barely noticed that those cute little suits wouldn't even go over my growing rear anymore.   It wasn't until I busted a seam out of my beloved Lucky Brand Jeans, that it hit me.  And man, did it ever smack me a good one.  

I stocked up on hoodies and hid under my clothes.  I tried diet after diet.  I threw myself into going to the gym.  But the motivation just never lasts.  I fall off the wagon over and over again.  Each time landing a little harder.  

So what is going to make this time different?  Well, this time, I feel like I have a head start.  I made two simple changes in my life last year.  I quit drinking soda and cut way back on my fast food consumption.  I knew it was something that I needed to do.  I did not expect the results I got though.  I've lost 12 pounds already!!  

So now it's all about keeping the momentum going... 

Wednesday Weigh-In:  128, 32, 22

Let the Journey Begin

I've always been one of those people who wants to keep a diary, to keep record of all my travels, and trials, my successes and failures.  I wanted to be able to look back on it when I'm older and remember things otherwise lost from my memory.  It has been my New Years resolution several times over to keep up on it.  And each year I fail.  Miserably.  

So it is a new year.  Same old resolution.   I'm giving it another go.  Only this year I'm going to pair it with another warn-out old resolution.  You know the one.  The one we all have every year. We tell ourselves, "This year will be the year.  This year I will get in shape."

So here is my thought.  First of all, I usually end up giving up on the diary/blog whatever because I have nothing to write about.  Now I've given myself a subject.  Also, by putting myself out there (here) and writing about my attempts at getting fit, perhaps I will embarrass myself into keeping up with it.  Perhaps the guilt and judgement from you all will be enough motivation to keep me going.  We shall see.  

My plan is to write about my various methods of diet and exercise and regular status updates on the progress.  This may also include the occasional rant on the emotional repercussions.  

I am committing myself to total honesty.  If I include what I ate that day, I'll include it all.  Every last cheating morsel.  If I include a photo, I will not edit.  

And so it begins... tomorrow.